Thursday, June 14, 2007

the "Big" question

The big question that we now get asked, as newlyweds, is also a question that I dread to hear. "When are you two going to have a baby?" Granted, no one in my husband's family knows that at 17 I gave birth to a baby that was stillborn, so I really can't blame them for asking or label them as insensitive, but everytime I hear that question my stomach gets tied into so many knots, that I almost can't pretend I am not interested in having any kids soon. I'm not sure why I always try to give the impression that I am not too interested in having children, though I always try to be "the strong one" no matter what I do.

Some of it probably has to do with the fact that although I feel like I will have a family/kids in the future, when I think about the present I feel like it will never happen. Ever since my pregnancy 9 years ago my periods have been irregular, if not nonexistent. For years, I did not use any birth control with my ex, and I never got pregnant. I've been on the pill since before I met my husband, but there have been times when I've forgotten and have gone maybe a month or two without taking it, and no signs of a menstrual cycle. When me and my ex thought about me getting pregnant again (Boy, am I lucky that did not happen) I went to my former Ob-gyn and what did he do? No tests, no nothing... he just took out his pad to write me a prescription for Clomid. Could the scraping off of the placenta that they had to do have affected me in some way? I've self diagnosed myself with PCOS, and my primary care doctor diagnosed me too, but I have yet to see an Endocrinologist. I justify it because I am not trying to get pregnant now.

Deep down I am afraid that I won't ever ovulate again. And if I were to get pregnant, what are the chances that what happened last time, is going to happen again. My cause of my son's stillbirth was never identified, but there were several signs/symptoms that indicated an adverse pregnancy outcome. Several months after his birth, when I went to pick up my medical records from my doctor I found out that when my AFP triple screen results came back, my HCG was off the chart, ten times what it should have been. At the bottom of the chart there was a note stating that this indicated a higher chance of fetal demise, problems with the placenta, etc. Was I ever told this when I asked for my results? No. The placenta was also full of blood clots, and the cord was velamentously inserted. Basically my son died because of a lack of oxygen, but we never found out the reason why. I have read study after study that states that high HCG, Velamentous insertion of cord, retained placenta... all these things have a higher/high chance of happening again in subsequent pregnancies. That completely freaks me out. I couldn't go down that road again. I don't want to go down that road again. I don't want my husband to know firsthand what the pain is like. I guess I'm not as unfeeling as I sometimes think I am.

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